The sun was setting over Little Hills, and Stephanie was thrilled. Her new job was going so great! In only a few days, she had done so much for Little Hills. She had already caught and disposed of four different trespassers, all without getting the police involved. She hoped she’d get a bonus or something at the end of the week. That had to be some kind of high score for just a few days, right?

The first two were the ones she saw on the second day, the car with the angry, loud, super annoying guy and his girlfriend or whoever. Since she didn’t get indigestion from them or anything, she figured that was the best way to deal with trespassers. 

The third one was yesterday. This tiny guy pulled up who was trying to sell this suspicious-sounding in-sure-ince thing she had never heard of. But the few rules she had read were very clear about one thing. She wasn’t supposed to let anyone in who was trying to sell stuff. (Tiffany, that bookworm, told her what “soliciting” meant. Where does that girl learn so much?) So, she took the solicitor’s car, shook him out, and gulped him down. As for the car, she crumpled it up and tossed it into the garbage can. She always found it ridiculous how fragile those tiny cars were. They were just as defenseless as the tinies themselves.

The fourth one was this morning. Some woman in a little Jeep, who was just as angry as that first guy had been, screamed and shouted at her. She called Stephanie an asshole and a bitch so many times that she almost forgot what the words meant. So Stephanie decided to show her a real asshole. She wiggled her hips back and forth, grinning and imagining what that bitch was going through. Of course, she stopped feeling her hours ago after she got a little too close to God’s loophole.

But it had been hours since then, and she was bored. She nudged the empty Jeep back and forth on the desk. She had a bunch of voicemails and text messages from the “Home Owners’ Association”, whatever that was. First of all, like, who leaves voicemails? But it wasn’t the same contact that called her to offer the job. Some of the texts asked if she’d seen anyone named “Jim” or “Percy” or “Louise”, which, of course she hadn’t. What, was she supposed to write down the names of everyone she saw??

She figured the messages were just from annoyed residents, pissed about something or other that she had no control over. After all she’d done for them!

Her good mood soured. Why didn’t these tinies appreciate her? 

Well, whatever. I’m doing a damn good job protecting them from jerks and “in-sure-ence” salesmen, and I’m going to treat myself even if they won’t. Stephanie pulled her phone out of her bra, and pulled up a group text. It’s not too late to invite the girls over. We don’t have class tomorrow anyway.

—

The pink Subaru pulled up at 8:30 with Brittany at the helm. “Is this the place? It looks like nothing’s here.”

“Uh, Brittany? You’re about to drive over - ”

A soft crunch could be heard as the car crushed a section of the 4-inch stone fence surrounding Little Hills. It barely made the car shake.

“Over what?”

“Stop!!” Tiffany shrieked.

Brittany yelped as she slammed the brakes. “You don’t need to yell, sister!”

“Sorry, I - you - you’re driving right through it.”

“We are? I don’t see anything.”

“Look around, Brit. We’re, like, inside it already. See those lights? Those are houses.”

“Jesus, they’re so puny. My dildo’s bigger. Where’s Steph?”

The car’s wheels had toppled sections of the fence, flattened a grassplot, and stopped just short of completely flattening a house. One inch more and it would have been crushed flat. Neither girl noticed this as they stepped out of the car, walking over the puny fence and heading towards the only giant-sized structure in the vicinity, the guard house. They didn’t have to go far. 

“You guys made it!” Stephanie squealed as she ran over to them. “How have you guys been? Tiff, I haven’t seen you all week!” The girls hugged.

“Thanks for inviting us over! We missed you!” Tiff said.
“You’re the best, Steph!” said Brittany. “Now where are we going to have this party?”

“I figured we could hang out in the guard house.”

“Ew, that tiny building? No thanks, unless you want to get real comfortable with me, Steph.”

Stephanie rolled her eyes. “Well, why don’t we just set up here? There are some extra chairs in the guard house.”

“In the grass?” Brittany looked around, disappointed at the practically empty area, if you discounted the community of a couple thousand tinies. “You know I left a party to be here, right? With the football team? Jake was there?” Brittany rolled her eyes. “Whatever. I have some wine and vodka and stuff. Let’s chill or whatever.”

The girls set up some chairs near Brittany’s car and started drinking. Time passed. They chatted and gossiped.

“You really swallowed them? I’m so proud of you, girl,” Brittany said between sips of wine. 

“Yep, whole!” Stephanie responded, beaming. “That’s what the HOA wanted me to do.”

“That’s crazy,” Tiffany piped in, “you’d think tinies wouldn’t want you to, you know, swallow other tinies?” She fidgeted in her seat. “I mean, how would you feel if -”

“Oh here we go again!” Brittany said. “Tiff, come on, they’re just tinies, it’s fine. Even Fairview  U.’s policy is okay with it.”

Two bottles of Shiraz later, Stephanie was swaying back and forth as she teased Tiffany. “Oh, Tiff! We’ve all seen the way you look at Ben. I know you like him.”

“I - I do not!” She hiccuped. “I think I’ve had too many refills…”

“More like not enough!” Brittany was a loud, boisterous drunk. “We’re getting drunk as fuck tonight girls, I’m not missing out on Frat House Thursday for nothing!” She jumped out of her chair. “Fuck it, I’m getting the vodka - oh shit, what’s that?”

The girls’ attention turned to a tiny cone of light on the ground that she had nearly stepped on. They couldn’t even hear its honking until they stopped talking for a moment.

“Oh, a little baby car!” Brittany said. “Watch where you’re going, pipsqueak!” She poured some of her wine onto the ground, missing it by a foot.

“I think it wants our attention,” said Tiffany. “Steph, can you get it? I don’t want Brit to crush it by mistake.” Brittany rolled her eyes and sidestepped the little car. She went back to her trunk, rummaging through empty Starbucks cups and party decorations for more alcohol.

“Sure.” Stephanie leaned down and picked it up, bringing it to her face. “Turn your lights off dude. You’re gonna blind me.” The car obeyed. “What do you want, little guy?”

The tiny figure turned on the inside lights of the car and rolled down the window. Stephanie could see him now: he was a man, maybe in his early 30s, and he was wearing striped pajamas. He was shouting something, but she couldn’t hear over Brittany digging around through the cans and glass bottles of the car.

“Hey, pipe down, Brittany, I can’t hear the little guy. What was that?”

“-noisy! You girls are so noisy! We can’t sleep! Aren’t you supposed to be watching the gate?! I’m going to complain to Percy about this! I can’t believe -”

“UGH,” Stephanie groaned. “Dude, we’re not even being that loud. Why are you so worried about the dumb gate? I left it closed, duh.”

“You left the gate closed?” Tiffany said. “Wait, then how did he get here?”

“Uh, duh, he drove?” Steph turned to her. “Tiff, I thought you were the smart one.”

“No, ugh, Steph, if the gate is closed… And he says he’s from inside…” Steph’s confused expression meant she still wasn’t getting it. Tiff rolled her eyes. “That means he’s lying, Steph. He can’t be a resident.”

“What?!” She turned back to the car in her hand.“You - you’re a trespasser, aren’t you?” 

“Oh nooo,” Brittany cried, as she returned from the car with two armfuls of booze. “Show him what you do to pests, Steph!”

The guy in the car shouted something, but Steph couldn’t hear him over Brittany’s teasing.

“I bet you’re just trying to look up our skirts, you perv!”

“Yeah, he’s a pervert!” Steph cheered her on.

Tiffany groaned. She was glad she wasn’t embarrassingly drunk like those two. She looked around the ground, wondering where the car could have come from. They weren’t actually near a tiny street - they were seated just outside the wall of the community, which Brittany had just run over. The wheels of the car had made two sections of the wall completely flat… In fact, flat enough for a tiny car to drive over, if they had to. “Hey, guys? I think he might not actually be a trespasser…” But the girls didn’t pay her any attention. It was hopeless. Stephanie and Brittany were too busy drunkenly teasing the guy in the car.

He kept shouting his head off, but the girls could barely hear him. Stephanie was digging at the car door with her fingernail, trying to open the door. It took her a minute to get her nail in just the right spot, but eventually, she dug into the side and flung the door off the car. The terrified man, not wearing a seatbelt, tumbled into her waiting hand.

“Pfff, look at this guy’s stupid pajamas,” Stephanie said, and she passed her hand towards Brittany, who was opening a bottle of peach vodka.

“God. Does this guy think he’s in a cartoon?”

“Guys, I think it’s possible he’s not -” Tiff tried to interject, but was cut off again.

“I know right? Well, I think we both know what we do with little guys like him. Down the hatch!” Stephanie raised her hand high in the air, and opened her mouth.

“Oooh, wait! Don’t eat him yet! Let me take a video!” Brittany whipped out her phone. “Okay, do it!”

“Hey boys!” Stephanie grinned at the camera. “Careful with the Omicron Psi Omicron girls! We’re man eaters!” She dropped the flailing, screaming man into her waiting mouth, and snapped her teeth shut behind him. Stephanie took her glass of wine and chugged it all, swallowing the drink along with the man. She capped off the video by flashing the peace sign and giving her best smile, then sticking out her tongue and showing off her now empty mouth.

Brittany burst out laughing. “Holy shit, Steph, that was so cheesy!” She doubled down laughing. Stephanie laughed. 
“I know, right?” 

“You guys are unbelievable,” Tiff said, pulling out her phone. “Why did I come here?”

“Jealous?” Brittany asked through her laughter. “You can have the next one.”

“Ugh, no way!” Tiffany said, scowling. “I’ll pass, thanks.”

“Somebody’s touchy tonight,” said Brittany.

“No, I just - I don’t want you or anyone to eat any more tinies tonight. Or ever.” Tiffany said, flatly.

“Oh yeah, how could I forget,” Brittany said. “Just because your little boyfriend -”

“Stop it and drop it, Brittany!” Tiffany turned and glared at her.

But Brittany couldn’t resist. “Your little boyfriend cheated on you!” 

“He did NOT!” Tiffany shrieked.

“Uh, yeah, he totally did,” Stephanie laughed, “he came in that girl’s mouth and then she -”

“I said STOP!” Tiffany threw her red solo cup at the ground, spilling the drink on the grass. “You two are UN-be-LIEV-able!” She stood up in a huff and stomped off.

“Uh, Tiff? Wait up! I was just joking.” Stephanie said.

“GOD!” Tiffany shouted, continuing to stomp away. She was stomping on something crunchy, but she was so enraged she didn’t pay it any attention.

“TIFF!” Stephanie yelled.

“WHA - oh my god.” Tiffany’s shout was cut short as she looked down and realized just where she was stomping. Beneath her, and behind her, were shoe-shaped craters, some of which used to be houses. “Shit. Shit. Ohhhh my god. Fuck. I’m sorry.”

“Hahaha, you bimbo!” Brittany doubled over and laughed. “I’d expect that from Steph or somebody, but not you!” She kept laughing. “Tiff, you’re amazing!”

Tiffany started doubling back, carefully stepping on her existing footprints. As she went back to the girls. “I - I didn’t mean to - I…”

“Wowwww,” was all Stephanie could say. Clearly she’d had too much to drink by this point.

—

In the back of the pink Subaru, Tiffany was bawling her eyes out.

“I can’t believe I - I - I crushed their homes!!” She could hardly speak through her tears. “Their - their little houses - waaaaahh!”

“Oh my goooooooddddd.” Brittany was leaning against the car, nursing her tequila. “I could be grinding on Chad right now, or Thomas, or Trevor…”

Stephanie held Tiffany, consoling her. “It’s okay, Tiff, they’re just tinies… Just tiny little houses… It, like, doesn’t even matter.”

“B-but I crushed them without even thinking! I’m going to go to jail! You guys won’t ever see me again!”

“Tiff, come on, it’s not like that. You won’t go to jail. I don’t think they even have jails big enough for girls like us.”

“Th-they don’t?” Tiffany wiped her tears and blew her nose into a tissue. Brittany sneered. “Don’t leave your gross hankie in the car.” Tiffany stared at Stephanie with wide, wet, scared eyes. “But we’re going to get kicked out of school, aren’t we?”

“Of course not, Tiff!” Stephanie hugged Tiffany, stroking her hair, and bringing her head to the top of her cleavage. “It’s gonna be okay, girl. Nobody’s going to jail, nobody’s getting kicked out. It’s okay.”

Tiffany’s sobbing got quieter against Stephanie’s chest, and not just because she was being partially smothered. “You sure, Steph?”

“I’m sure, babe. Come on.” Steph kept hugging her tightly. “Do we have any more liquor, Brittany? This girl could use some. A lot.”

“We got enough to kill an elephant,” Brittany responded, annoyed.

“Come on, Tiff,” Stephanie cooed. “Let’s have fun, okay?”

“Okay…” Tiff’s tears began to dry up on Stephanie’ chest. “Sorry for being such a downer all the time.”

“It’s okay Tiff. It’s why we love you.”

Brittany scoffed. “Alright ladies, is your cuddle puddle over? Let’s get shitfaced already.” She mumbled under her breath: “This bitch could make Disneyland depressing.”