'Diet' means it's good for you
Family's New Shrink Ray
chapter 24
by
copier
· original author:
chyoaguy
"Jesus. Have you ever seen that much diet coke in one place?" Mike Nelson commented, looking down at the portable swimming pool; a massive plastic tub some twenty feet in diameter and ten feet deep. It was currently filled almost to the brim with fizzing, frothing brown liquid.
"Nope. It's shaping up to be one of those days, you know. The kind that makes me wish I'd taken that job offer in Albuquerque last year. But nooo, the missus said she didn't like the heat or the hot dry air. Well, here we are pouring enough soda to last for a whole summer of barbecues into a swimming pool for some giant lunatic." WIlliam 'Billy' Johnson replied to the man who he'd been neighbors with for over ten years.
"I feel ya. But hey, what can we do? I'm still hoping someone with a brain who hasn't already been spotted by the giant bitch called 911. ...Though they'd probably have a hell of a time explaining this to the operator."
"To be fair, Mrs. Cooper and her supersized gut could probably be seen from space. Well, not literally, but it's not a stretch to imagine that people on the other side of town might've seen something. It's not every day a neighborhood is forced to live out a reenactment of Attack of the Fifty Foot Woman."
"I'd say she's more like seventy feet than fifty, but I get what you mean. I'm just hoping the police, the fire department, hell, the military or someone shows up before Madison 'Get off my lawn' Cooper decides we're moving too slow for her liking. Last thing I want is a street full of smashed houses."
"That's the last thing anyone wants, buddy. For now, we just have to keep our heads down, do what she orders us, and hope that she leaves us in peace until the authorities show up to deal with her. Hell, I'm surprised the local news doesn't already have a helicopter or three covering our street. It's not like she's trying to hide herself. ...But back to the topic at hand... Good god, I can feel my teeth dissolving just looking at that pool of soda. Whaddya think would happen if someone jumped into it?"
"Die, probably." Mike snorted, watching as Ramirez family of four trundled by, lugging several wheelbarrows full of soda. "I remember watching the science experiments when I was a kid. I've seen what that fizzy, carbonated crap does to your teeth. I don't want to think about what would happen if someone was submerged in a literal swimming pool worth of it. Hey, do you think Madeline's going to care that only about half the liquid in the pool is diet coke? I think people are just dumping whatever soda they have on hand in regardless."
"Hell if I know. She's the only one on the street whose addicted to that diet soda crap. I wouldn't be able to tell ya the difference between how a diet coke and a regular coke tastes. And if ya ask me, the flavor's probably just going to blend together in that pool anyway. It's looking pretty full now. Guess it's time to face the music."
Sure enough, just as Billy finished speaking, Madeline's thundering voice boomed out for the whole street to hear.
"About time. I was starting to think you peons were going slow on purpose. I might have to educate you peasants on just how to properly serve your queen later..." Madeline grumbled
Inwardly, however, she was quite pleased. She LOVED diet coke. It was quite easy to say that it was in fact her favorite drink. In fact, she loved soda in general, but as a mature, responsible adult she couldn't send a message to her kids that it was okay to be swilling sugary, carbonated goodness every chance she got. So, as a compromise (more to herself than anyone else) she started drinking diet coke. Or coke zero. Or... well, just about any kind of soda that was advertised as being even slightly healthier than the normal beverages were.
And she'd been holding back. Ever since that damn constipation business had begun, she'd avoided drinking her favorite beverages like the plague. She already felt like she had a fully inflated balloon inside of her bowels what with how much gas was trapped inside of her. There was no need to make it worse.
But this was a special occasion, and it would've been remiss of her to not celebrate with the beverage of her choice.
A queen got what a queen deserved, after all.
.
"Nope. It's shaping up to be one of those days, you know. The kind that makes me wish I'd taken that job offer in Albuquerque last year. But nooo, the missus said she didn't like the heat or the hot dry air. Well, here we are pouring enough soda to last for a whole summer of barbecues into a swimming pool for some giant lunatic." WIlliam 'Billy' Johnson replied to the man who he'd been neighbors with for over ten years.
"I feel ya. But hey, what can we do? I'm still hoping someone with a brain who hasn't already been spotted by the giant bitch called 911. ...Though they'd probably have a hell of a time explaining this to the operator."
"To be fair, Mrs. Cooper and her supersized gut could probably be seen from space. Well, not literally, but it's not a stretch to imagine that people on the other side of town might've seen something. It's not every day a neighborhood is forced to live out a reenactment of Attack of the Fifty Foot Woman."
"I'd say she's more like seventy feet than fifty, but I get what you mean. I'm just hoping the police, the fire department, hell, the military or someone shows up before Madison 'Get off my lawn' Cooper decides we're moving too slow for her liking. Last thing I want is a street full of smashed houses."
"That's the last thing anyone wants, buddy. For now, we just have to keep our heads down, do what she orders us, and hope that she leaves us in peace until the authorities show up to deal with her. Hell, I'm surprised the local news doesn't already have a helicopter or three covering our street. It's not like she's trying to hide herself. ...But back to the topic at hand... Good god, I can feel my teeth dissolving just looking at that pool of soda. Whaddya think would happen if someone jumped into it?"
"Die, probably." Mike snorted, watching as Ramirez family of four trundled by, lugging several wheelbarrows full of soda. "I remember watching the science experiments when I was a kid. I've seen what that fizzy, carbonated crap does to your teeth. I don't want to think about what would happen if someone was submerged in a literal swimming pool worth of it. Hey, do you think Madeline's going to care that only about half the liquid in the pool is diet coke? I think people are just dumping whatever soda they have on hand in regardless."
"Hell if I know. She's the only one on the street whose addicted to that diet soda crap. I wouldn't be able to tell ya the difference between how a diet coke and a regular coke tastes. And if ya ask me, the flavor's probably just going to blend together in that pool anyway. It's looking pretty full now. Guess it's time to face the music."
Sure enough, just as Billy finished speaking, Madeline's thundering voice boomed out for the whole street to hear.
"About time. I was starting to think you peons were going slow on purpose. I might have to educate you peasants on just how to properly serve your queen later..." Madeline grumbled
Inwardly, however, she was quite pleased. She LOVED diet coke. It was quite easy to say that it was in fact her favorite drink. In fact, she loved soda in general, but as a mature, responsible adult she couldn't send a message to her kids that it was okay to be swilling sugary, carbonated goodness every chance she got. So, as a compromise (more to herself than anyone else) she started drinking diet coke. Or coke zero. Or... well, just about any kind of soda that was advertised as being even slightly healthier than the normal beverages were.
And she'd been holding back. Ever since that damn constipation business had begun, she'd avoided drinking her favorite beverages like the plague. She already felt like she had a fully inflated balloon inside of her bowels what with how much gas was trapped inside of her. There was no need to make it worse.
But this was a special occasion, and it would've been remiss of her to not celebrate with the beverage of her choice.
A queen got what a queen deserved, after all.
.
copier
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November 12
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