The little trip to reality manages to cool me down, to remember the value of my stable but disenchanting situation with my husband and even to bring a wave of shame about my sins, shame that is powerful enough to make me close Secret's Love tab ignoring the dozens of unanswered messages, but not enough to fully dissipate the lust, or as I would later in the day realize as I went back to the reliable porn, to fully extinguish the spark.
I manage to last a whole day before checking again, noticing with some chagrin how the excitement of chatting up strangers starts to become a chore. 45 messages! And checking the first couple I just get variations of the pieces of work that were Evan and Henri. A 27 year old manchild sending me what was clearly a generic social media compliment, no thanks. A 46 year old muscular man from Zoetermeer judging me a worthy addition to his stable of "conquests", the dominant overtones were mildly interesting, but the approach wasn't, another direct refusal.
"Are you ready for another session?" Right, John80. Maybe it was just the right timing yesterday, but reading the messages again the tingles aren't there so I don't answer. Discouraging. I'm not feeling it, where's Marise?
"My first advice would be to not get discouraged. You can find what you want, which I'm sure goes beyond mere tingles."
It is Mark. The profile that interested me yesterday, with a fairly normal message, but one that seemed to read my mind. If I wanted guidance that seemed like a good sign, and to be more honest with myself, that picture of his just fueled the dying spark of the day a little. That smile, is almost an invitation to dare.
"I assume you mean the profile?" I answer and check again the myriad of options, unable to make any choice convincingly. I have lived enough, desired enough, consumed enough and imagined enough to know even in the options that might appear distasteful gold could be found. Even if I'm not finding it right now.
"Yes and no"
"What does that mean?"
"If I had to guess, you didn't fill the profile because you think anything can make you feel that tingling" An educated guess. A bit condescending maybe, but a correct one.
"And if you're like me, you're not wrong" Now that's more like it, a familiar pleasant shiver. He has my attention.
What he tells me is half arousing and half enlightening, how like everything else finding success in secret love is a skill, how it can be a matter of being organized. It sounds dull, like some kind of training course, until he describes it in the correct terms. Scenarios that I can associate immediately with highlights of my mental porn library, experiences from his previous marriage and finding his new partner that make me both ache for rekindling things with Steven and ditching him on the spot.
Instead of just fixing my profile, he tells me the approach he and his partner use. Making a list, a list of things to explore, of adventures to fulfill, and go from there. Sounds like something that could take a bit of time but also something enthralling enough to do in itself, an extra step in this journey of sin.
"Why are you telling me all this?" is my last question before looking at William and knowing it's time to go back to real life.
"Because it's in my list of longings" The answer is mysterious enough to give me a shiver of both pleasure and satisfaction. A threesome with me and his partner? Showing him my charm and my strong spirit? Being a mentor on a successful journey through secret love? Rediscover what he lost in his former marriage? All of that sounded interesting on its own way, in a more profound way than a single roleplay session. It could be lifechanging. Marisa was taking over.
On our lap through the woods my blush was more intense, but I had less fear. The prospect of fulfilling my own list of longings just seemed exhilarating.
What happens next?